The Human Speaks

There are reasons why I cannot be a Vet.

First off, I do not have enough money. Second, I won't practice for long before I'm caught and locked up in a cage where electro therapy at 4am is in order followed by a generic version of a prosac breakfast at 6. Other little things needed would be high-end lawyers, salaries and stationary.

The reason I will need all that money before I've even opened my practice would be for research. I'd have to hire some pretty damn clever people just this side of decency to make me a serum that could be put to use on bad pet owners.

We'll need spy-cams in the parking lot and a  security specialist that will be able to determine the state your animal is in even before you have closed the car door after you've let Fido out. The security specialist will be so skilled that he, or she, would be able to determine in a split second if just the animal or the animal and the owner will be treated. If you bring your animal in after it has already suffered extensively and you could have prevented it, then, my non-friend: Tag, you're it.

While you approach our front door our resident nurse (who moonlights as a nightclub bouncer) will take in position behind the door with a big fat syringe filled with the magic serum that was developed by the damn clever people just this side of decency. You'll be jabbed with the efficient accuracy of a killer in training. While in a stupid haze the security specialist and the resident nurse will carry you to and stuff you inside your own little cage made not to fit you. Aaaand theeen your training will begin.

You'll be confronted with the horror of four Bassets staring at you for as long as it takes to break you and make you cry. Only then will we let you out and give you the pamphlet detailing the characteristics of a very, very good human. (We encourage self study)

You will go home and kick your spouse out of bed so that the dog can have a better place to sleep. You might even become a vegetarian or a vegan so that your non-human person can have the steak.

You will give your dog your undying love and be a good little beta or omega or where ever your dog choose a place for you in the pack.

And you my friend, will love this vet for pulling you into that world of simple zen like love and tranquility. Hey, we might even consider your CV. If you can wield a big fat syringe, your in. 


Lots of Love,
The Human.